Onward

My husband being in Australia was difficult for our entire family. Him, mostly, I think. The kids and I had each other, at least, while he was working very long hours in a completely foreign environment. His eating and exercise habits were totally off and he had to sleep a strange bed, alone. Sadly, I managed to alienate a person or two with my laments of our difficult (and painful) situation. That is done now, he is home and we are moving onward.

I have been struggling with my food and my exercise. I realize that part of it is mental. Part of it is our imminent journey out of state so soon after my husband’s month long absence. My life feels quite out of control and I think that is being reflected in my food choices.

I am craving sweets like a madwoman. Some of it is a reoccurrence of an issue that I struggled with earlier this year. I am so so so tired of documenting everything. Watching and counting every calorie and carb, adding protein and fiber and…and…and. Isn’t it exhausting? How do you keep from being exhausted from worrying about every bite and drink? I have to figure this out.

I am weighing in at 160 currently. 160 lbs. Less than I can ever remember weighing as an adult. Yes, I am still “overweight”. I am FAT. The Wii Fit said so just this morning. I have lost about 140 pounds. Yes, this means that I have lost very nearly half of my body weight. Half of me. A whole entire person, basically. We measured ourselves yesterday and I measured in at 5’5″. For YEARS I have believed that I was 5’6″. Now that I think about it, I am not sure why. I think I just miss remembered and that I was 5’4″-5’5″. Why on earth does an inch even matter?? Because ONE inch means that I have to lose yet another 10lbs on top of the 5lbs I still need to lose in order to get “to a healthy weight for my height”. I just wanted to cry with defeat. Not ANOTHER 10 lbs?!

So, here I am. Sick and tired of losing weight. Sick of having the continual never-ending goal. Sick of feeling like I simply cannot reach that goal because every time I get close some mysterious ‘something’ happens. Now, I am suddenly shorter than I have believed myself to be for years (all of my adult life? I don’t honestly remember anymore!) Shorter equals fatter. How can that be when I am healthier than I have ever been as an adult?

I guess the big issue here is when do I get to just rejoice? When do I get to stop looking at the never-ending goal and just BE HEALTHY?

“It’s good to have goals!”

It’s exhausting to have this goal. It’s also my own fault. Every time I have come close to a goal, I have mentally extended that goal so that while I celebrated I was already striving for the next step. There haven’t been any stopping to dance time on this journey. I want to just *dance*. I want to live my life as a healthy person, not live my life as a person who can’t achieve her goal.

I am routinely frustrating the people who love me with my complaints about how fat I am. Truthfully I FEEL fat many days. I think though, when I ponder it, that I don’t know if I “feel fat”, I just don’t feel like I am capable of not being a fat person. Is that a physical issue, or a mental issue? IS that truly me feeling like I look overweight or is that me feeling like I don’t have control (of myself, of my life, of my food, of my routine) and I equivocate that now with “being fat”?

Why do I feel fat? Why am I embarrassed to weight 160lbs? A few weeks ago I was down to 158. So part of my problem is that I am both mad at myself for the 2 lb gain and mad at my body/life/the world that I clearly cannot relax my eating habits AT ALL without a gain. I honestly have been thinking “Maintenance soon, hooray!” I’d love to be able to have a cookie with my coffee some days or even a cappuccino instead of a plain coffee some days. Maybe a piece of pumpkin bread AND an egg for breakfast rather than looking at the bread longingly and thinking, “No, you will get fat.”

Far too often I feel like instead of “eating healthy” or making healthy choices that I am denying myself. That mentality is designed to set me up to fail, so I need to get it straight. I really, really do.

I recently started a new weight lifting/strength training routine. The New Rules of Lifting for Women: How to Lift like a Man and Look Like a Goddess. I think in some ways this is a part of my problem. I HATE TO SWEAT. Always have. Yet I have learn and accepted that I need aerobics for my heart health, my lung health (to control my asthma), I need the activity to help control my diabetes and to keep my weight down. I love Zumba. L.O.V.E. it. I love Turbokick. I enjoy Hip Hop Hustle. I enjoy walking. Running hurts (and is boring…sorry my runner friends!) Biking is boring. So, I have been doing what I love. More and more I keep hearing, “You need to built lean muscle to look good and help keep the weight off.”

Seriously? Cause weight lifting is REALLY boring. Blech. The new routine goes quickly, partially because I am timing my rests, etc, which helps me not hate it quite so much. It’s also kicking my ass (literally, my glutes hate me today!) So now I have the challenge of weight training PLUS cardio to fit into my schedule. I also have to change how I eat to include more protein…and somehow lose another 15 stupid pounds. <insert frustrated scream here>

I have enough skin hanging now that some things don’t fit the way I’d like. I am pretty sure that I could wear size 8 pants easily enough…but I have skin that hangs like a “muffin top”. Yuck. I am wearing medium shirts…I have even put on a small or two BUT, my upper arms are still too large from the excess skin so they don’t work.

My husband (bless him, he truly is my rock and my strength and my sanity) told me last night, when I was upset about only being 5’5″ after all, that he routinely has to really look for me in stores when we get separated, and that when he finds me his thought processes are as follows, “No, that’s not my wife…there she, wait no…..she’s over, no, that’s not her. Oh! There she is, the skinny chick.” I laughed out loud when he said this and didn’t believe him. He said, “Seriously, darlin’, don’t you realize that you are routinely the skinniest person in an aisle when we shop?”

No. No I didn’t. I guess I only take note of the women who are skinnier than me, and I see them EVERYWHERE.

So, I know it’s time to set some new goals, ones that don’t involve weight since I am clearly still stuck on the numbers. Last night at the gym, my  goal was to hold a full on plank (NOT on my knees), for 40 seconds instead of the 30 seconds that I was only able to do the week before. I did it, but barely. Woo-freaking-hoo, huh?

I think I am just overwhelmed and tired, and dreading potential family politics and having to sleep in a strange bed with my (our) routine messed up while being excited about visiting with people that I miss terribly and love very much.

I think I have a blue. =(

So onward, forward, searching for the positive. Suggestions on non numerical goals? How about a perm? I really want curly hair. Silly, isn’t it? Well, I am a silly person sometimes. Onward….